Helping others

I think to address how to be helpful to a friend or acquaintance that confides in you that they are in an abusive situation I should first address a common question, "why don't they just leave?" It sounds easy enough, if someone is treating you badly then leave, but there are reasons individual to each situation that can prevent someone from leaving the abuser. Some reasons may be that they are in love, they think the abuse will end, they feel responsible for the abuse and that they deserve it, or they want to help or "fix" the abusive partner. Sometimes it may be easier to make excuses than to see the reality of the situation, such as "he/she is going through a lot right now, they are under a lot of stress," or "I know he/she loves me, I just do stupid things that make them mad. I deserve it." Why do you think it may be difficult for individuals to make the decision to leave? Why might someone be afraid to end the relationship? Their self-esteem may be worn down from constant verbal abuse, they may be emotionally dependent on the relationship, or they may fear physical harm. 
 I think it is important to consider that there are situations where the abused individual wants out of the relationship and wants help, but they feel they cannot get past possible barriers preventing them to do so. One barrier may be embarrassment, in order to get help the individual ultimately will have to talk to someone about his or her situation. Other barriers may be:

•  fear of hurting their partner's feelings
•  fear that who they confide in will tell them to end the relationship
•  fear of blame, judgement, and disbelief
•  fear of losing relationships
•  fear of being misunderstood
•  fear of retaliations
•  not knowing where or how to get help
• denial
• not trusting that information they share will be kept confidential

So, what do you do if someone confides in you?

•      Keep it confidential—your friend is comfortable enough with you, and trusts you enough to come to you in need. They need support. They do not need to be the newest gossip story on campus.
•      Believe them—they are tackling a major barrier discussing their situation with you. Do not make the fear of disbelief a reality. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know they are not alone.
•      Raise them up—reiterate that they do not deserve the abuse, the abuse is not their fault, and that NO ONE deserves to be abused. 
•      Let them decide—respect their right to make their own decisions when they are ready. Acknowledge that no one knows their situation like they do, they are the expert on their life. 
•      Make a safety plan—find out what they do now, does it work in keeping them safe from abuse? Is there a place where they can escape?
•      Offer help—know resources in your community and be a supportive, active listener. 
•      Encourage them to seek help.

If you live in the Birmingham, AL area the local Crisis Center offers two 24 hour hotlines.

•      Rape Response (205) 323-7273
•      Crisis Line (205) 323-7777

They also offer a teen hotline that is open 3-10 during the school year, and 10-10 during the summer months

•      Teen Link (205) 323-5465

National Hotlines

•      National sexual assault hotline 1-800-656-HOPE(4673), www.rainn.org
•      National suicide prevention lifeline 1-800-273-8255
•      National domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)