Helping others

I think to address how to be helpful to a friend or acquaintance that confides in you that they are in an abusive situation I should first address a common question, "why don't they just leave?" It sounds easy enough, if someone is treating you badly then leave, but there are reasons individual to each situation that can prevent someone from leaving the abuser. Some reasons may be that they are in love, they think the abuse will end, they feel responsible for the abuse and that they deserve it, or they want to help or "fix" the abusive partner. Sometimes it may be easier to make excuses than to see the reality of the situation, such as "he/she is going through a lot right now, they are under a lot of stress," or "I know he/she loves me, I just do stupid things that make them mad. I deserve it." Why do you think it may be difficult for individuals to make the decision to leave? Why might someone be afraid to end the relationship? Their self-esteem may be worn down from constant verbal abuse, they may be emotionally dependent on the relationship, or they may fear physical harm. 
 I think it is important to consider that there are situations where the abused individual wants out of the relationship and wants help, but they feel they cannot get past possible barriers preventing them to do so. One barrier may be embarrassment, in order to get help the individual ultimately will have to talk to someone about his or her situation. Other barriers may be:

•  fear of hurting their partner's feelings
•  fear that who they confide in will tell them to end the relationship
•  fear of blame, judgement, and disbelief
•  fear of losing relationships
•  fear of being misunderstood
•  fear of retaliations
•  not knowing where or how to get help
• denial
• not trusting that information they share will be kept confidential

So, what do you do if someone confides in you?

•      Keep it confidential—your friend is comfortable enough with you, and trusts you enough to come to you in need. They need support. They do not need to be the newest gossip story on campus.
•      Believe them—they are tackling a major barrier discussing their situation with you. Do not make the fear of disbelief a reality. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know they are not alone.
•      Raise them up—reiterate that they do not deserve the abuse, the abuse is not their fault, and that NO ONE deserves to be abused. 
•      Let them decide—respect their right to make their own decisions when they are ready. Acknowledge that no one knows their situation like they do, they are the expert on their life. 
•      Make a safety plan—find out what they do now, does it work in keeping them safe from abuse? Is there a place where they can escape?
•      Offer help—know resources in your community and be a supportive, active listener. 
•      Encourage them to seek help.

If you live in the Birmingham, AL area the local Crisis Center offers two 24 hour hotlines.

•      Rape Response (205) 323-7273
•      Crisis Line (205) 323-7777

They also offer a teen hotline that is open 3-10 during the school year, and 10-10 during the summer months

•      Teen Link (205) 323-5465

National Hotlines

•      National sexual assault hotline 1-800-656-HOPE(4673), www.rainn.org
•      National suicide prevention lifeline 1-800-273-8255
•      National domestic violence hotline 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)

The link between gender stereotypes and abuse

There are three ways in which gender stereotyping may lead to abuse.

1. Stereotypes may support abusive behavior, such as “women should be submissive to men.”

2. Stereotypes people hold of their own gender may encourage them to use abuse, like “men should be tough.”

3. Stereotypes a person holds of their partner’s gender may give them reason to be abusive, like “why aren’t you more athletic, richer, stronger like men should be?”

             Its normal to have expectations of yourself and others, but be wary of unfair expectations. Can you think of a time when you held an unfair expectation of someone? When has someone held an unfair expectation of you?
           Stereotypes take away individuality and put people into a pre-made box. The stereotype may not be a negative characteristic, but it still may not be at all like the individual. By looking past the real individual and looking only at preconceived views it can hurt people by influencing actions, blaming the innocent, and limiting relationships.  
          Why do you think people use stereotypes? Because it is easy? Because of societal pressures? We have the right to decide how we treat others (even when they do not fit into the pre-made box) and how we are treated by others.

Brochure

This week I worked on creating a brochure that covers the highlights of the Stop. Think. Date. presentation. Once I get the ok from my community partner and peer feedback I would like to print them on colored paper make them available around campus. This is the brochure as of right now. When the pages are printed together it makes a trifold brochure. 

Ad council commercial

I saw this commercial and thought more people should see it. This commercial addresses important issues teenagers and young adults face as texting is becoming the most prominent method of communication. The commercial prompts viewers to think about where the line is drawn between friendly texting and "textual harrassment."

Finishing up a complete presentation

This week I have made a lot of progress on editing the PowerPoint presentation and making handouts that will correspond with the PowerPoint. I hope that using handouts and engaging the audience with questions will make the presentation more of an interactive and enjoyable experience. I have sent a copy of the presentation to my community partner for feedback, and plan on doing some final editing and having a finished product by next week. My goal is to have a presentation completely ready to go by the end of July in order to present to a resident's assistant meeting on campus.

Last week I completed a survey that will be given to individuals attending the presentation both before and after the presentation. My main goal with the survey is to learn what their initial attitudes and beliefs toward dating abuse are and to compare them to their post-presentation attitudes and beliefs.

Addressing common myths

True or False?

1. Sexual assault usually occurs because people cannot control their wild, spontaneous passion.

2. Most rapists are well adjusted. They may be well-liked and popular.

3. Bad girls get raped, not good girls.

4. Forced sexually behavior isn’t a crime if the two people have been dating a long time and have had sex many times before.

5. Women who try to resist rape are likely to get injured badly

 

1. FALSE—sexual assault is an act of violence, not of sex.

2. TRUE—society can depict rapists as crazed and obviously violent, but in reality they may appear normal.

3.FALSE—this myth supports gender-stereotyping beliefs that girls should act a certain way. This belief allows people to justify rape as a type of punishment

4. FALSE—sexual assault is any forced sexual activity no matter the circumstance, and it is a crime

5.FALSE—women who resist are most likely to get away and least likely to get injured. 75-80% of women who actively resist sexual assault attempts escape being raped

Other myths:

"Male victims are usually gay"—this is supported by the prejudiced belief that homosexual men are weaker than heterosexual men, that they aren't “real” men. This is also harmful for heterosexual men as well because it denies their experience and pain.

"Rape is a minor crime affecting only a few women"—by denying the extent, frequency, and severity of rape, violence against women throughout our society is allowed to continue. 1 in 8 women will experience rape in her life time!

"Women frequently 'cry rape' just to get back at someone who has  made them mad"—this denies women the legitimacy to declare when their own bodies have been violated. It reinforces the sexist beliefs that women are not credible, but rather emotional and irrational.

"Women who flirt or wear sexy clothes are just 'asking for it'"—this supports the myth that women have to fit into a certain mold, and those who step outside of that mold are going to suffer. This doesn’t hold men accountable for their actions. It makes violence a punishment for women who haven't conformed to the image of a proper woman.

"Once a male is aroused there is little he can do to control it"—this take the blame away from the rapist and puts in on the victim.

Just the facts.

Both men and women can be perpetrators of abuse.

 

Most abuse gets more severe over time.

 

More than half young women raped (68 percent) knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance

   

1 in 8 women will experience rape in her lifetime

Women ages 16-24 experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence

 

A survey of 500 young women, ages 15 to 24, found that 60 percent were currently involved in an ongoing abusive relationship and all participants had experienced violence in a dating relationship.

Nearly 1 out of 3 adult women experience one physical assault by a partner in adulthood.

 

One in five or 20 percent of dating couples report some type of violence in their relationship. 

 

One of five college females will experience some form of dating violence.